Dislocated Brain
by Satanira
Summary: A series of short stories illustrating what goes on in the mind and imagination of a slightly psychotic fanfic authoress known as Satanira. Rated T just in case, warnings given by chapter.


**Dislocated Brain**

Chapter One

_Capture of a Ninja Maiden: Free Sakura!_

* * *

**Summary:** On an otherwise dull day in Imaginationland, Beryl causes an uproar by kidnapping an underage ninja. Satanira is too distracted by her latest Gundam Wing fic to notice, so rescuing Sakura is up to her best friends Usagi and Minako, and any bishonen they can rope into helping.

**Warnings:** Language, adult situations, suggestive dialogue, Beryl, evil perverts, implied shojo-ai, fuzzy handcuffs, godmodding, kidnapping, bondage

* * *

It was an ordinary spring day in Satanira's imagination- there was a battle going on between an army of demons and the Heavenly Guard, Mouse and Jing were trying to out-steal each other, there was a private investigator and his half-elf buddy trying to track down the missing Princess of the Moon, and half the cast of Niemagina was enjoying a nice day at the beach.

It was summer on the beach, for some reason, even though the beach was pretty much deserted and it was spring everywhere else. Except it was snowing around an isolated ninja village, which didn't make much sense at all, because it was 70 degrees ten yards past the village boundaries, a phenomenon that fascinated Uzumaki Naruto and Beki Lindress.

While Naruto and Beki discussed theories about the dramatic change in weather, Hino Sakura, Tsukino Usagi, and Aino Minako were spying on a group of bishonen nearby, unaware that they themselves were being spied on by Beryl Valentine.

Beryl, reigning Pervert Supreme of Satanira's mind, was armed with a digital camera, a camcorder, a notepad, a tape recorder, a net launcher, and an Invisibility Cloak she'd stolen from some dorkish kid in glasses a few days ago. She also had blankets, snacks, and soda with her, in case this took a while.

She had her eye on Sakura at the moment, having never had sex with a female ninja before. Besides, Sakura was a cute one no matter how you looked at it, and Beryl was such a sucker for the cute ones.

* * *

"Do you get the feeling we're being watched?" Hanabishi Kaoru asked, glancing to the bushes the ringed the clearing.

"We probably are," Saishi said, shrugging. "But it's not Beryl that's doing the watching, so I don't care."

"Who's Beryl?" Son Goku asked curiously. Since Satanira had only recently become a fan of Saiyuki, the 19-year-old demon had yet to meet Beryl. Lucky him.

"You're better off not knowing." Saishi informed him. "Maybe when you're older."

"I hate when people say that." Goku pouted, much to Saishi's amusement and Sohma Yuki's exasperation.

"Trust me; you don't want to meet that madwoman." Yuki said. "She's insane."

"I'd say she's just friendly." Miroku spoke up, grinning somewhat lecherously. "Very friendly, in fact,"

"What're you talking about?" Goku asked, but the adults ignored him. Giving up on getting an explanation for now, he returned to the food.

* * *

"I like the one with the headband." Usagi said, pointing towards Goku. "He looks sweet."

"I kinda like the one with black hair," Minako said, gesturing at Saishi. "I bet he's loads more mature. What do you think, Sakura?"

Sakura contemplated the group of bishies before her in silence for a moment. "Well…." She said finally, her eyes settling on Kaoru. "I kinda like the brunette myself. He seems a little shy, but I bet he's very caring and sensitive."

"Looks like we'll be splitting up when they leave, then." Minako said, grinning. "To each her own, and let's hope we all have dates tonight."

* * *

Meanwhile, on the Eternal Summer Beach, CastleWrecker Rebbekha Elfbane was lying on her back and letting the hot summer sun try in vain to tan her already bronze skin. She didn't like sports, she didn't like water, and she most certainly didn't like sports that _involved_ water. She liked sunbathing almost as much as an icy cold fruit smoothie, though, which was the only reason she'd agreed to come to the beach in the first place.

Linna Chen and her boyfriend Lemon were playing in the water with Charon and Silas Crystalsinger, while Chaud Valentine entertained his two-year-old daughter Misha not far from where Rebbekha was. Seth Daimon had wandered off in search of some fruit smoothies a while ago, leaving Rebbekha to sunbathe. Everything was peaceful and quiet.

In Satanira's mind, peace never lasted long.

It began as a low rumbling noise, some distance inland, and Rebbekha barely noticed it at first. It grew steadily louder, though, and the ground began to shake, tossing sand onto the redhead. She sat up, growling, and turned to glare off in the distance. There was a smoking volcano on the horizon that hadn't been there an hour ago.

"What's going on, do you think?" Chaud asked, not in the least ruffled by the sudden turn of events. Nothing seemed to faze the man.

"Hell if I know." Rebbekha responded, wiping sweat from her brow and frowning at the volcano. "Must be for a story or something. I hate it when she does this."

Lemon and Linna came up onto the sand, staring at the giant column of smoke and ash in awe. They were both kids, and neither one had ever seen an erupting volcano. If they stuck around for long, there wouldn't be much they _hadn't_ seen.

* * *

Satanira, perched on the rim of her newest volcano but somehow unaffected by the eruption, chewed thoughtfully on the tip of her pen. This scene was refusing to work for her, and she hated when that happened.

She glanced down the slope behind her, to where a couple of dragons hovered anxiously over their nest. Fifteen eggs, including a golden one. How to move them without damaging them? How many should melt in the lava that would soon coat the mountain?

The giant golden dragon raised her head and bugled her distress, while her dusky silver mate crooned soothingly to the eggs.

Considering the size of the parents, the eggs were tiny. She guessed that six or seven would fit in an open Jeep, provided the driver was the only person involved. If Quatre and Trowa both drove out a load of eggs, they'd only lose one to three of them. The question was, would the female let two humans _touch_ her eggs, much less move them?

* * *

Beryl, having managed at last to kidnap Sakura, was feeling very smug. She'd stashed the sexy little ninja in one of her many hideaways and was currently on her way to Shangri-la to borrow some fuzzy handcuffs from Ni. She hoped he wasn't using them; she always got distracted whenever she dropped in and Ni had himself a girltoy.

She wound up being distracted long before she made it to Shangri-la, though, when she happened upon a volcano that hadn't been there earlier. Halfway up the slope, two boys in their late teens or early twenties were busy transferring watermelon-sized eggs into a pair of dusty Jeeps, while two enormous dragons hovered in the air, supervising.

Beryl could just make out the slim form of Satanira, perched on the rim of her little volcano. It was mostly a matter of contrast – despite the volume of ash shifting down on the scene, Satanira's long blonde hair and fair skin still showed brightly against the dark gray column of smoke behind her. Eager to see how events would unfold but not willing to mess up the scene by entering it, Beryl stepped under cover of an umbrella tree – a sturdy metal trunk that branched and spouted colorful umbrellas instead of leaves – and settled down to watch.

She snapped her fingers, and a small, shadowy slip of a girl in a tattered, faded blue evening gown materialized, pen poised expectantly over a pad of paper. The lusty orange-eyed demon had that much to say about Satanira's imagination- the whole establishment was simply awash in service.

"Let me get a large bucket of popcorn – extra buttery – a large Sprite, a lawn chair, some sunglasses, and a lava shield." Beryl said, placing her order. "And while you're at it, see if Ni Jienyi is free and would like to join me."

The wispy girl nodded to herself and faithfully wrote everything down, then disappeared. In her place was the popcorn, soda, and sunglasses; the chair and shield appeared a few seconds later. Ni would get there when he got there, assuming he got there at all. Beryl busied herself setting up the perfect spot to view the eruption, for Satanira wouldn't have the boys transporting eggs unless the nest was in danger.

* * *

Usagi and Minako had been forced to forgo their quest to get dates when Sakura had disappeared into thin air on them. When the pink-haired ninja vanished, the blonde duo had spent a short time debating on a course of action, then agreed the would have to approach the group of bishonen they'd been spying on for help; they couldn't find Sakura alone, after all.

"Beryl." Saishi said confidently. "What's-his-face Potter got his Invisibility Cloak stolen the other day, which would account for the vanishing act."

"You mean _Beryl_ has Sakura-chan?" Usagi asked, wide-eyed. She herself had only escaped Beryl's attentions by claiming she was married to Mamoru, and she knew what kind of things Beryl could do to a person. "We have to rescue her!"

"Damn straight, we do." Saishi agreed. "You've got some kind of transformation that gives you superpowers, right? Use it. Beryl may not look like much, but she's dangerous."

* * *

Ni Jienyi wasn't busy at all, apparently, because it couldn't have been more than five minutes before he came strolling up to Beryl, carrying a lawn chair of his own and armed with a basket of munchies.

Ni was a handsome motherfucker (not that there was any conclusive proof he'd ever fucked his mother), and Beryl had enjoyed a brief fling with him when he'd first moved to Imaginationland, but they'd quickly become bored with each other. He was too predictable, and she was too willing. They were still good friends, though, and Beryl privately thought he sort of liked having someone who didn't look at him funny for his hobbies.

"Pull up a spot and park it, babe," She said by way of greeting. "Nira's got a new story underway, and I think we're in for a massive eruption. And after that, I was wondering if I could borrow some of your equipment."

"Wherefore?" Ni asked, opening his chair and setting it down in one smooth motion before planting himself.

"You've got better restraints than me, and I've got a ninja who needs to be introduced to the pleasures of hot lesbian lovemaking."

"The world can use more hot lesbian lovemakers." Ni agreed amiably, and Beryl knew he was mentally calculating the odds of being invited to watch, at the very least.

"She's underage, so keep it a secret for me, and I might let you play with us once she's properly trained."

* * *

Sakura, meanwhile, was working very hard at getting herself free. She wasn't having much luck, but that certainly wasn't for lack of trying. She'd regained consciousness completely stripped of her weapons and gear and dressed in sheer pink lingerie, tied rather firmly to an ornate bedpost, and gagged to boot.

While she struggled with the stubborn ropes, half her mind was on figuring out exactly what had happened and who had kidnapped her. Despite Satanira's depravity – obvious if you knew what to look for – there weren't too many people in Imaginationland with the means, will, and courage to kidnap anyone. Satanira came down pretty hard when someone broke one of her few laws, and any sane person was terrified of the authoress.

By the time Sakura had managed to shake the gag, her list was narrowed down to three suspects, none of whom were known to her personally. There was Ni Jienyi, the psycho freak from Shangri-la. It might be him, but she'd heard he was very into hurting people, and she was barely uncomfortable, much less in pain. Jason was even less likely, but anything depraved, sadistic, or cruel might be his doing. Third was Beryl, who was also pretty unlikely, since Beryl was a woman and had _some_ morals.

Whichever it was, they were dead as soon as Sakura got loose. She did _not_ appreciate being snatched right before meeting up with a potential date to the opening party in the new Obsidian territory.

And now that she could use her teeth, it was only a matter of time before she was untied.

* * *

Sailor Moon eyed the pudgy little bird before her dubiously. It looked an awful lot like a dodo, and not like it would be much help in finding out where Beryl had taken Sakura. She wasn't sure if Saishi was playing some kind of joke on them or not.

"Trust me; it's more useful than it looks." Saishi said, fully aware of how ridiculous birdhounds appeared.

"It would almost have ta be," Goku said, poking the little birdhound on the beak. It gave a startled squawk and stumbled back a step, then recovered and headbutted Goku in the knee. "It's kinda cute, though. Once we rescue Sakura, can I have it?"

"It's not _my_ birdhound," Saishi said with a shrug. "Let's get going, shall we? I don't enjoy rescue missions so much that I want to drag this one out any longer than necessary."

* * *

Exactly as Beryl had expected, lava began spilling over the lip of the volcano while the boys were still loading eggs. It didn't take a genius to figure out that some of the eggs weren't going to survive the catastrophe, but that was just like Satanira – the girl had to add a bit of angst to just about anything she wrote.

For a moment, it looked like maybe the blonde and his truckload were going to be consumed, too, but the big gold dragon picked them up by the Jeep to get them out of harm's way. Beryl heaved a sigh of relief over that; she hated to see the cute ones die.

From the corner of her eye, she saw Ni smile. _He_ would have had no problem watching such a fine young specimen get swallowed by a lava tide; Ni didn't do guys.

Beryl found herself studying Ni's profile more than she was watching the show, and wondered if maybe she could convince him to do a little roleplaying. She could beg very convincingly, and Ni _was_ damned good in bed, after all…

"Say, babe," She said with calculated carelessness, once the show started to wind down a bit. "How'd you like to help me train my little ninja love slave?"

* * *

Sakura was forced to conclude that her mysterious kidnapper was Beryl, after all; there wasn't a stitch of men's clothing anywhere in the little cabin, not even packed up in the back of the closet.

Sadly, Sakura's clothing was missing, as well. Her only choice – besides running all over Imaginationland in pink lingerie – was to find something among the skimpy, sexed-up gear available that might fit her with a lot of tucking and without showing _too_ much she'd rather people didn't see.

She finally found an old, worn-looking dress in a subdued charcoal gray, with a wide belt to keep it from being too loose on her. She couldn't find any shoes that actually fit, though, and had to settle for a pair of fuzzy white bunny slippers several sizes too big. Looking mismatched and decidedly housewife-y, Sakura set about finding a way to get herself outside and away from this place before Beryl came back for her.

* * *

Saishi was one of the oldest inhabitants of Imaginationland, having been around since before Satanira had begun making territories. He remembered when it was just Niemagina and Fanfic Central, and Satanira hadn't even thought of building Aine Mithras yet. Since he'd been around to watch each territory being made, and had attended the opening party of every one, he was as familiar with any given area as Satanira herself.

The birdhound was leading their makeshift rescue party deeper and deeper into an area Saishi did not like. The Dragon Knights territory was usually in turmoil, and this part of it was without exception crawling with demons. Demons that actually _ate human flesh_. Saishi fought the urge to shudder convulsively at the thought.

That Beryl would have chosen this, of all places, as a hideout, made him rethink the woman's sanity.

"Let's pick up the pace." He said shortly. "This is not a good place to be right now."

* * *

"Oh, dear," Beryl said, imitating an old TV sitcom housewife. "She broke the door clean off the hinges. And here I thought I'd tied her up so well."

She really wasn't too upset about the door. Nadil would gladly send over a youkai or two to fix it for her; she just had to bat her eyes, breathe deep, and maybe warm his bed for an hour or two. Plus, the mental image of Sakura, barefoot and dolled up in lingerie, kicking down her door was a satisfying one. She was just disappointed that she wouldn't have a little ninja love slave, and a bit worried about what kind of punishment Satanira might enact because of this.

She did _not_ want to undergo forced abstinence again. The very thought made her shiver.

"Splinters everywhere. My goodness." She continued, stepping daintily around the mess. "Watch your feet; I'll go get the broom."

* * *

The birdhound paused, sniffing from one side of the trail to the other, as if confused. It ran in a tight circle three of four times, then headed back almost exactly the way they'd come, worming its way through the underbrush.

"Where's it going?" Sailor Venus asked. "It's not running away, is it?"

Saishi, whose arm Venus was clinging to, sighed. "She probably managed to get away. The birdhound's following the more recent trail."

The birdhound froze for a moment, then scrambled under a bush, disappearing a split second before to foliage parted and Beryl appeared in the midst of their group, looking frantic and disheveled.

"Oh, you guys had best get going." She said breathlessly, smiling. "The big, bad evil scientist is after me, and you don't want to get in his way."

As previously mentioned, Saishi had been around for a very long time. He knew exactly who Beryl was referring to, and gestured everyone off the path and into hiding. "Where's Sakura?"

"My lovely little ninja escaped. You won't tell Satanira on me, will you? Please say you won't, Saishi; I'd be oh, so very grateful…"

"Get away from me." Saishi didn't normally turn down offers of sex made by beautiful women, but Beryl had always creeped him out for reasons that he couldn't quite define. Then he was off the path, too, just before Ni came charging through the forest and Beryl took off with a shriek that sounded frightened but most likely wasn't.

* * *

One of the problems with Imaginationland was that it was riddled with portals that appeared and vanished randomly and always went to a different place each time. They usually showed up just when you absolutely couldn't stop yourself from falling into one, too.

Although these portals usually went out of their way to make things difficult, Sakura ran right into one and fell down flat on her face in her own backyard, thus ending today's grand adventure.

And the best part of all was that, throughout the whole ordeal, Satanira's attention was never once drawn away from her preciousGundam Wing fanfic.

* * *

_Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm done with this! It took me forever to get up!_

_Luckily, I'm already halfway done with chapter two, and even closer to finished with chapter three, although chapter four's still kind of bare._

_As always, reviews are greatly loved._

**BILLY JOEL OWNS YOUR SOUL!**


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